Falling From Grace
by InoFan
Summary: 2x5/5x2. Duo and Wufei try to navigate the complicated ups and downs of a relationship after a fight and after Wufei springs something unexpected on Duo.


I don't write male-male anymore, but I still have a fondness for this pairing and I'm kinda proud of how this story turned. Relationships certainly aren't easy and I can't imagine they'd be any easier if you were gay. This is also from the 2003 period. 

Words. He used them as weapons. Duo used them as shields. It was amazing how a few carelessly strewn words thrown out in a flash of anger and frustration could cause such a deep seated pain. How they held on, burying themselves into the heart, suffocating the soul, embedding in the mind so that they wouldn't let go. It was hardly fair, something so superficial could mean so much. Not after all that had happened. They had come too far to let a wedge of misguided air shove them apart. 

But it had. An argument over something so simple, escalating out of his control and drawing blood. It had only been about Duo's tendency toward slovenliness. No one wanted to trip over clothing on a nocturnal bathroom visit, or pick hair out of the sink. The toothpaste was meant to be squeezed from the bottom up, not the middle. Dishes were to be rinsed and put in the sink, not left on the counter to air dry and become near impossible to clean. Normal, domestic, household chores. And at the time, they had mattered. 

The air was cool here, on the porch, where the outline of hills in the distance could be traced with a finger and the spread of stars with the eyes. Faint breaths balanced on the current before they were tugged away, as if the act of breathing itself were nothing more than a passing fancy. Much like living. Duo was forever telling him that getting bogged down by the day to day trivialities made you forget how to really live. To which, he always scoffed. Until he took time to stop and consider. 

They had struggled long and hard to get to this point, where they could live in the same house and call what they had between them something more. But it was the fragility of it that frightened him, not the act of committing. Once he gave that part of himself, there would never be a chance of holding it back. So Duo held that piece of his soul that made it so easy to love him, and so easy to hurt him. What other way was there? 

But with allowing yourself to be loved, came the responsibility of loving in return. What you thought, what you felt, it was no longer only yours, and it mattered to someone other than yourself. Sometimes, he forgot that. He forgot how easy it was to injure Duo, who hid his vulnerability behind laughter. That need for self-preservation never quite left. He drew in on himself until cornered, where he would lash out to drive the threat away. Not unlike an animal. Tonight, he had certainly behaved no better. 

Perhaps it was the need that scared him. Loving Duo Maxwell, had become as necessary as breathing. Dependence like that, on another, could only result in pain. Hadn't there already been enough of that for the both of them? Still, like an intoxicating drink, there would be no purging this from his blood. His ability to step back from the edge had vanished some time ago. The fall over had been exquisitely aching in a way that left him wanting more, and afraid to take any less. Like a greedy child hoarding sweets he had never been allowed to taste, he had grasped all the love offered and held it close. 

In his quest for perfection he had failed, time and again. Yet Duo loved him no less. Had that knowledge made him take less care? Like a fragile piece of glass, Duo too could shatter when handled badly. They had their fights before this, but never like this. What he had said, was unforgivable. In the moment, with emotion backing him, it had seemed appropriate. But he knew, as soon as he finished, and saw the look on Duo's face, the way he paled and sealed himself away, that it was all beyond wrong. 

The capacity to hurt the one that mattered most to him now had always been easily within his reach. Even before he was aware of it. It was his own weakness that brought him here, however. Fear that made him step back and lash out to protect a pride that would be nothing if he were alone. It was foolish, the things you held on to because you didn't know any better, or because you thought you actually needed them. 

What was nothing when you held it in your loneliness? 

P--------------------------------------------------------------------------------P 

He had never possessed that capacity for stillness that Wufei did. When something was eating him up inside, he had to move. His thoughts went with in a rapid, chaotic swirl as he bore down on the punching bag. Two swift jabs and a stuffing-wrenching left hook bruised the leather, stung all the way into his shoulder, where it settled into the socket. Relishing in the pain, because physical pain had always been easier to deal with than emotional, he continued his assault, breathing labored. 

With each hit, he heard the words Wufei flung at him. They fought sometimes. It was only natural, considering they lived together. It was usually him yelling a little, Wufei remaining infuriatingly calm, and then them making up. This time, however, the exchange wasn't so easy to forget. No, not as strongly as Wufei had imparted the last of his feelings and then simply stood there, staring at him as if there was something he was supposed to be doing, something more to be said. 

Wufei was had a desire for order and neatness that bordered on obsessive. He understood this, that it was Wufei way of keeping control. It was only that life wasn't so clean, so easily managed. Having the freedom to throw his stuff where he wanted meant that it was his. And dammit, he had waited a long time to have something to call his own. He had fought for it, sweated for it, bled for it. So if he took pleasure in the simple things, such as the luxury of wearing miss-matched socks because they were clean, then what the hell did it matter? 

Sweat slipped into his eyes, hot and stinging. Rubbing at it impatiently, he paused, examining his inflamed knuckles with some satisfaction. A few more hits and the skin was going to break. Just another slip. Wufei had such a way of pushing him past the restraints of his temper. The anger, the hurt warred with one another until he wasn't sure which it was he was feeling. Only words. They were only words, but they stabbed so deeply, in places that wouldn't let go. 

Things had a way of snowballing out of control. Arguing about a tube of toothpaste became a merciless dissection of mistakes made and time wasted. They had once been Gundam Pilots with the world and beyond on their shoulders, and they couldn't even hold together a simple relationship. It made him laugh, but the sound was strangled with the pain of knowing it would take more than a few years to ever be 'all right'. 

Wasn't this what they had both wanted? The normalcy. If he felt restless and left sometimes, or if Wufei secluded himself in the library and read sometimes, he had always thought they were better for it. He needed a little breathing space now and again or he suffocated. But never, in all the time that they had been together, did he wish to take anything back. He meant every honest second spent with this person that had become another part of him, and he wouldn't have let go of it for anything. 

The anger was fading now, as it always did. It left him raw, and a little sore, but it wasn't anything he hadn't already dealt with. When you stripped the emotions away, you had to expect you would feel bare and cold. Feeling had, without fail, been preferable to the emptiness. Only here, he had learned that he didn't need to pretend to be what he wasn't. So he had healed a little, and found that when he reached for the joy, it was real. 

To give all that up over a few words... It wasn't going to happen. His lover had a way of pushing someone aside when the contact became too difficult to handle, but Duo had never shoved easily. There would be no letting this one slide by. They had spent too much effort to let it be. 

P--------------------------------------------------------------------------------P 

Pulling the blanket more securely around his shoulders, Wufei shoved from the ground with one foot. The porch swing began a slow, careful glide. It was a comforting rhythm somehow. He ignored his thoughts in favor of it for a time. When it began to lag, he thought about another push, until a figure slipped from the shadows near the door and settled next to him. 

"Still pissed, or will you share the blanket with me? It's damn cold." 

Wordlessly, Wufei unwound the fabric so that Duo could scramble into it. The warmth from Duo's shoulder, the steady curve of his hip, the firm muscle of his leg, pressed against Wufei's stirred a hundred memories of similar moments. 

Words rarely failed Duo. Talking, nonsense or otherwise was generally easier than silence. Right now he wasn't certain where to begin, so he was leaving it alone. Wufei, however, wasn't as angry as he was earlier. Had he been, he wouldn't have allowed physical contact. 

"Duo..." 

Something had to be said. 

"Shh. Look, it's snowing." 

He wanted to be annoyed at the interruption, but his eyes followed Duo's outstretched hand. A few solitary flakes were falling. One after the other in careful procession, only visible because of the faint light from the porch bulb. 

"Beautiful." Duo breathed, as if he hadn't seen snow thousands of times before. 

And wasn't what Wufei loved about him? His ability to see the same things through new eyes? To love them, as if he hadn't loved them before. So then, he knew Duo wasn't going to tire of him and move on. Perhaps that was what frightened him. That complete commitment they shared, surpassed by nothing but a ring and a license. 

"Yes." Wufei agreed, but he wasn't looking at the snow. 

Duo's face scrunched up in that manner it did when he was pretending to be displeased. "Hey, you aren't even watching the snow." 

"Duo." Wufei took his hand beneath the blanket, laced their fingers. "I am sorry. What I said... What have you done to your hand?" 

Wincing, Duo tried to jerk his hand away. He knew that tone. Sharp, banking no argument, intent and determined. 

"I, uh, was using the punching bag." 

"Without gloves?" If at all possible, Wufei's tone would have cut glass. 

"Yeah. You pissed me off. Hurt me, dammit. So quit scowling at me. I'm a big boy, if I want to scuff up my hands, I will." 

Subdued, he let the subject drop and took up another. "I didn't mean those words, Duo. I have never regretted a moment spent with you. I think I was... scared." 

"You, scared?" Duo teased, smiling. 

"Duo." 

"I know, sorry. Look, Wufei, I'm scared too. We aren't exactly the poster kids for normal, functioning adults. But we aren't 15 anymore either. It's been almost thirteen years since the war. Three with you. That's some kind of record for me, okay? I've never committed myself to anything this long, and I don't wanna fuck it up." 

A smile hovered like a ghost above Wufei's lips. "If anyone is... fucking things up, it would be me." 

"Hey, we fuck things up together, okay? Or not at all." 

Laughter. Duo loved it when Wufei laughed. He didn't do it enough. 

"Agreed." Wufei answered, amusement still laced in his tone. 

Then, serious, Wufei averted his face. "Duo. I love you. I don't want to screw things up and lose you. I want to marry you." 

"Hey, dammit, look at a man when you're proposing to him," Duo ordered, in a strangled, barely apparent voice. 

Dark eyes fell, searching, on his face and bit into him, seeing, taking, and giving more than Duo was ever ready to accept or relinquish. 

"Marry me." 

"Wufei. Three years. We've been together, and never talked about marriage." 

"We are talking about it now." 

Inside, the tension was so much that he hurt. They lived together. They knew each other. They loved each other. For Wufei, marriage was the final step, the logical, honorable thing to do. It would show Duo that he was committed beyond doubt. 

"Why now?" 

He could feel himself shrinking back. 

"No, dammit. If you're going to marry me, you're gonna share with me. I've got a right to know." 

"Maxwell, you know how to suck the romance out of anything." 

"This is not a laughing matter, Wufei. I'm dead serious. What, did you think I was just going to fall at your feet in incoherent joy? Fess up." 

With Duo, things were never easy. 

Duo was, and had never been more serious. Marriage was a that final commitment. Wufei had to have a damn good reason before Duo was just going to agree to something that changed the whole aspect of their relationship forever. 

Stiffly, Wufei bit out, "I want something lasting beyond living together. To... show you that I mean to stay." 

A smile, and Duo shook his head. "You've been with me this long. I'm not worried you're gonna jump ship and bail. Besides, it'd take a long time to find a priest willing to marry us. You do realize we're gay, right?" 

Wufei sat back, letting an exasperated blast of air escape. "You miss the point, Duo. I don't care if it takes three more years to find a priest. I want you to understand that you are my future." 

That weight settled into the middle of his chest, the same one that he remembered as his pen had hovered above the paper that finalized the loan for the house they had lived in for the past year; with never a whisper of the word marriage. Contracts. Useless, binding pieces of paper. Why the hell would he need one to tell him that he and Wufei were a done deal? Forever. That was a long time. 

Duo was rarely silent. So the lack of an immediate answer left Wufei cold with a fear he had no desire to voice. Sometimes, there was more to be heard when nothing at all was being said. 

If it was nothing to him, then was he sweating in the middle of winter? Obviously, Wufei wasn't the one with the problem committing here. So he could lecture his lover on closing him out, and yet he couldn't even take that final step? 

"Duo... I realize we are young. Perhaps, marriage isn't right for us at this juncture. I spoke out of turn." 

Wufei was rising, turning away. 

"Hey, wait a minute. Where the hell do you think you're going? Don't you dare run away from me, Chang Wufei." 

Wufei's back was to him now, stiff and set in uncompromising lines. 

"Give me a minute. You're talking about me and you forever. A one way ticket. No backing out when it gets tough. I'm going to be honest enough to tell you it scares the shit out of me. Together, like this, I've always known if I needed the escape, I had it." 

He swung around then, and his face was still, but his eyes were bright and alive with things that cut into Duo hard enough to make him flinch. 

"What did you think, Duo, that signing the loan for this house meant? That you could leave me with the payments and empty rooms when it became too hard for you?" 

The accusation in the words had Duo's temper flaring. 

Tearing the blanket from around him, he rose as well. "What, and you think it's been so easy?" 

Jerking as if slapped, Wufei pressed his hands against his sides so that he wouldn't fist them. 

Quietly, he intoned, "You didn't have to stay with me, Duo." 

He knew he pushed. He knew he was difficult. But he was trying, had been trying the entire time to make something of what was between them. To hear Duo say that a part of him had always been looking toward the door, hurt so badly it was crippling. He felt exposed, raw, as if everything he had ever shared with this other person only made him look like an ignorant, hopeful fool. 

He couldn't look into that face any longer. In motion, he slipped past Duo, a whisper of silk and regret, and into the house. 

"Fuck!" Duo spat, smacking the flat of his palm against a support beam. Pain shot up his arm. He found it preferable to witnessing Wufei's pain and knowing he was the cause. 

Slamming himself back down on the porch swing, he began rocking it furiously. "Shit, shit, shit. I'm no good at this relationship crap." 

Why was it, when he thought he had life all figured out, it went and got more complicated on him? He had thought both he and Wufei were satisfied with the level they had reached. A house together, things together, days together. It wasn't clear to him why that wasn't enough. Despite his cavalier attitude toward the suggestion, Duo knew how serious marriage was. It was binding. His soul with Wufei's. Would the loss hurt more because of it, or less? 

P--------------------------------------------------------------------------------P 

Wufei paced, making sharp turns, his mind a mess of thought and feeling. It took them ten years to get to the point where they would admit love for one another. Two before they were committed enough to move in. One, before it fell apart and it became clear they couldn't handle the seriousness of the relationship. 

A flash of white caught his attention. He paused, walked to the mirror, and looked. A man stared steadily back. Time altered, but when he looked at Duo, he only saw that laughing, lunatic of a boy who had the audacity to make a joke of everything. Was he wrong to do that? To hold Duo to the past, to fragments of memories as easily scattered as ashes? 

"Are you always going to run when it gets too rough?" 

A smile surfaced, cold and without amusement. "Isn't that hypocritical of you?" 

"No." Hard, succinct, that one word carried him across the floor as his fingers curled around Wufei's shoulder and spun him around. "I'm always honest with you. Maybe too honest. I handled that badly, Wufei. But I'm not going to lie and say marrying you makes the world peachy just for the sake of sparing your feelings." 

"I didn't ask you to." 

Duo ducked his head, laughing mirthlessly before raising it to slam his fingers through his bangs. "The one time you decide 'sorry' isn't good enough..." 

"It's simple for me, Duo." 

"Well la-de-fucking-da. I'm glad it's so simple for you." 

Wufei crossed his arms over his chest, raising his chin. That patiently superior expression Duo had grown so used to over the years. 

"Don't look at me like that. I don't want you thinking I don't love you, because I do. So let's cut through the shit and get right down to it." 

That relentless energy of his hadn't ceased. Duo was still all arms and legs, a blur of explosive motion and unrepentant verve. Hands and fingers jabbed as he talked, punctuating his words, and competing with his expressive eyes. To never see that again over a few harsh words... 

It became easy right then, to Wufei. No matter what they had together, or how either of them thought about tossing it all for the sake of a moment's peace, the loss of everything was infinitely worse. 

He didn't allow Duo to finish. He grabbed him by the braid, jerked him so that they slammed roughly together, and caught Duo's lips with his own. Heat, remembered and familiar, flared between them instantly. 

"Excuse me," Duo murmured when they parted, "but I'm trying to fight here." 

"I wanted to shut you up. I've thought about leaving, as well, Duo. I had no right to be so angry with you over that. Nor over your honesty about marriage. It's enough for me that you stay." 

Duo inclined his head. "Is it?" 

"You know I don't make a habit of lying." 

"Then, can we talk about marriage? Does it have to be a 'right now' thing?" 

"No." 

"And you're okay with that?" 

Dark brows furrowed. "Yes, Duo." 

He grinned. "Don't get pissy." 

"I don't get, as you say, 'pissy'," Wufei countered, further wrapping Duo's braid around his hand. 

"Hey, easy on the hair. And you do too get pissy." 

"Hm." 

Duo looked to the window as well as he could with Wufei's fingers tangled in his hair the way they were. The snow was falling thickly now. 

"I won't leave, Wufei," he spoke up, his tone quiet. 

"I know." 

He looked back. "And I'm sorry." 

"Don't be. You were honest. I've always admired that." 

"Yeah, but it still ticks you off." 

He shrugged, the motion easy, elegant. "No more than it does you when I speak my mind." 

"By God, I think we've come to an agreement." 

"Imagine that." 

"Then, I say we celebrate. Let's go build a snowman." 

Wufei eyed him. He couldn't be serious. 

"It's dark out, Duo." 

"So?" 

"We'll barely be able to see our hands in front of our faces." 

"And this is a problem, how?" 

Eagerness, and a child-like pleasure infused the other man's face. What was the harm? 

"I will get our coats and gloves." 

Duo unwound his braid. "Great!" 

Shaking his head, Wufei watched Duo throw open the closet doors in search of boots. As he went to collect the necessary garments for warmth, he didn't see the smile Duo gave him. He didn't need to. 


End file.
